Bored

What people do when they don’t have an ocean to play with:

Sharkleberry Fin

 

Kool-Aid is basically a cheap and affordable way to flavor your shitty tasting tap water.  Yep.  It dupes your taste buds into forgetting the floating carcinogens, kryptonites and other various eroded metals contained within your tasty beverage squeezed from the rusty faucet. 

It was originally invented by a guy in Nebraska in 1927, far away from waves and normal civilization.  But it wasn’t in the powdery form we all came to love.  It was in a liquid concentrated form and it was appropriately called Fruit Smack.   Thirsty?  HAVE SOME SMACK!!!!

Did you know that Kool-Aid also sports a ton of fun flavors?  You can drink flavors like lifeless Grape, or get crazy,  and sip some Yabba Dabba Doo Berry.  But did you also know there’s a flavor called Sharkleberry Fin?  It’s f-king Fintastic!  When else does the Kool-Aid man get to surf on the back of a mutant shark all krunked up on copious amounts of pink Kool-Aid.  What a flavor.  What a trip, man.  You should try it.

Oh SNAP!  Shark on a raft exploding out of the water.  Watch out!

Baywatcher

This clip is probably one of the most embarrassing moments in surfing history.

Warning: Watching this clip may make you gay.

Wow.  I didn’t know a Californian sunset could reverse itself so quickly and turn into broad daylight.  Amazing.  Apparently the producers have altered the earth’s rotation—just  for the show!  Awesome.

OK.  Why does she toss her hair when there’s no wind, or hair, really? Did it get in your eyes?  I’m confused.  Maybe she was pretending there was a strong breeze riding at 3mph.   Oh, i get it.  It was for effect.  Check mark.

Alright, and then she’s wearing a bikini and spandex on her scenic-beachcruiser with ultra- sexy white socks and sneaks—which is hot, and beside the point.   But then all of a sudden she’s sporting a one-piece on the beach.  Jazz hands, it’s magic!

 And oh Jimmy Slade.  Jimmy Slade!  What about those trunks?    Looks like you bought those at K-Mart….you know, the cheapy ones with the elastic waist band and mesh panty liner inside.  World champions don’t live out of dilapidated vans and wear five dollar trunks. 

Well, at least she looks overly euphoric—most likely pre-orgasmic —getting a surf lesson Ala Master Slade.  But Hey!  Why does she pick up her board, pretend she’s gonna carry it to the water,  and then ingloriously slam it on the sand only to walk away afterwards?  That bitch.  How dare her.  You don’t treat hand shaped ez-foam boards like that, and you certainly don’t treat Jimmy Slade like that.  He had hair god damn it.  Hair.

Becareful with the Bro-Downs

 

Every surfer needs a drinking strategy.  Let me explain.

Nothing washes out the sinuses  better than a cold brew after a fun session.  You can sit down, chill,  and lay it all down about how the better parts went out: how this one wave lined-up perfect and you solidly hit it four times, and how, thereafter, Taylor Knox high-fived you on the beach and recommended you surf the world tour.  Or how you caught this magical bomb that came dredging down the beach,  with your only option being to get slotted for a standard ten second barrel, putting G-Land to shame.  But that’s too positive.  You also gotta sprinkle in a little story or two about how you were wronged by some absentminded putz, who almost dinged your board.  Ding! Ding! He’s done. 

Guess we can all agree that the post-sesh fesitivities are great;  but its ugly little kid sister is definitely not, and she’s that bitch called “pre-sesh festivities.”

You’re often rewarded, by both mother nature and humanity, by waking up early and catching the morning commuter wave train.  The winds are more often favorable and it’ll most likely be less crowded (keyword: less) than any other time during the day.  But a night-before drinking binge will erase all of this and you’ll get to surf the afternoon all chopped up and hung over.  It’s definitely not recommended to partake in such activities before a new swell arives, or at least do so in moderation (I personnaly don’t like upchucking MillerLites on the paddle-out). 

But whatever.  Shit happens.  We get excited and things end up far and away from how we planned them.  Just remember that the next time you start watering your system and heading down the path to ruin, there’s always some other surfer out there doing the opposite and getting ready for the morning attack.

Satellite’s Up!

 Excerpt taken from GPS World, Sep 2007:

Neato!  Neato!  Where can I get one? 

Glad to know that when I’m 15 miles out paddling in the open seas, lonely trolling along trying to find a 100ft rogue wave and other various watery delights, I can have full confidence in my equipment knowing that an emergency beacon will be sent out if I “wipe out too harshly” in the slippery seas.  No need for Brian Keaulana to save me.  I’ve got mother f-kin’ GPS!  Great Idea!

Go back to Chicago. 

Arnold’s Pizza

 

Pizza is the greatest organic health food ever.  EVER!  It’s a scientific fact (my sources are confidential) that pizza extends your life expectancy and greases your arteries for full on performance in AND out of the water.

Thank pizza the next time you bust that Gorkin Air, or land that ten foot close-out floater .  And thank, Arnold?

New Style Alert

Life’s hard.

It seems that with surfboards getting more and more expensive, it’s just becoming more and more of a struggle to even keep up with those ”other” life supporting activities besides surfing.  You know, like finding shelter, feeding one’s self…..putting clothes on your bum. 

Witness the stunning creativity of an impoverished soul making due of limited resources:   

 

 

Hanes, his way?

Riding Pens

Plastic is everywhere and it’s in everything.  It’s in your kitchen.  It’s in your car.  It’s in the people of Hollywood.

Now it’s even in your surfboard.  Yes!

Have you ever heard of the BIC corporation?  Yeah, they’re the big guys that make your little plastic pens and those colorful lighters for your cancer sticks.  Well, amazingly, they seemed to have gotten ”board” and journeyed into the adventure sports industry to make plastic molded surfboards—just like their pens.  How adventurous of them.

The concept centers around these being cheap, durable and long-lasting boards for the newbie surfer; but, there are unintended consequences to this, and the consequences fall on the rest of us. 

Mostly, it’s because these boards are dangerous due to the increased density and weight from using a plastic filled mold.  Yeah, it floats, but it’s like having a huge telephone pole drifing through the lineup.  I suggest you pick one of these boards up at your nearest Hollister store, and see how heavy it is.

Basically it comes down to these things being similar to handing a three year old a hand grenade. 

I like to think of them as the Ford Pinto of surfboards, or more like gargantuan plastic versions of the ancient ali’i boards, minus the beauty and personality of a hand-crafted shape.  

Please take a moment to thank the BIC Corporation, the fine makers of plastic ball point pens, for putting overly heavy, head-crushing, non-bending plastic missiles in the hands of week-end beginners and recreational aficionados everywhere.

Thank you BIC!  Thank you!  Cheers to having my teeth in place…….for now.

 

 The plastic arsenal:  Cheap, durable and readily available for a kook to accidently break your face.

Wavebiscuits

Failure is sometimes my best friend.

She often speaks to me like any friend would, usually to remind me that she’s there and still thinking of me.   Sometimes she whispers sweet nothings in my ear during the middle of the night,  waking me from dreamings of warm, watery perfection rolling down some mysto point.  Other times she talks to me while I’m eating dinner, which leads my system to hearburn, colic or mudbutt.   You kind of get used to her presence, and hope that someday you’ll be able to break it off, delete her number, and never hear from her again….if you’re lucky.

Regardless of Failure looking over my shoulder, all undertakings and projects are a lot of fun and are a great learning experience (that is, depending on how much sleep I’ve had).  One project I enjoyed was a parodied surfing news site called WaveBiscuit.com.  I believe, in all respects, it was a little too weird for most people, and possibly even scared them.  I apologize.

Alright, back to the lab again!

If They Surfed…

 

The TOP 10 People I’d Like to Drop-In On (hopefully resulting in serious injury and/or death):

1.   Kim Kardashian
2.   Madison (Sirius Radio’s Alt nation)
3.   The Verizon Guy
4.   All the band members in CSS (iPOD Phone Commercial theme song)
5.   School Buses (they get in my way, so they’re on the list)
6.   Bruce Springstein
7.   Everyone in Alabama.
8.   Ronald McDonald
9.   People who like horses.
10.   Oprah Winfrey